Hello, and welcome to the newest feature here at the Cavalcade of Failure, wherein I look back on previous work and point out the parts that sucked. (OK, not always just those parts. Sometimes the good parts too.) If you have any feedback you'd like to add, feel free to do so in the comments section.
01: Hope (421 words)
I wanted to start Nano off right, and this is an idea I've had in my head for a while. It was originally part of a larger idea, and I'd strongly considered doing a follow-up later in the month...but I couldn't quite get that one right in my head. Maybe next time.
This was meant to be a longer piece, with plenty of description...but I should have tightened it up in places. Fewer extra words, and a bit less "rule of three."
That said, I'm still pleased with how this one turned out. Definitely one of my best from this project.
02: The Duel (301 words)
A different take on the adage about bringing a knife to a gunfight.
A couple of pretty obvious mistakes--a singular/plural disagreement in the first two lines, and his arm should have been at a 90-degree angle, unless I only wanted part of the marshmallow to be toasted.
A fun piece, but not much to it. Basically a joke in story form.
03: Them's the Rules (15 words)
Sometimes you have to give your audience what they want. As most of my friends are gamers of one stripe or another, I figured they'd appreciate this.
Not much to it, but it didn't really need more.
04: Negotiations (371 words)
"Man is the real monster, only this time he comes right out and admits it."
I feel like I dropped the ball on this one. Could have easily cut the first three paragraphs and lost nothing...in fact, probably would have gained a lot. The subject matter is well-tread ground, too. I still like parts of it, but overall, it's a bit meh. Also, the title is stupid.
This is my first instance of being late--I'd gone to the funeral for an old friend's dad that afternoon, and didn't really feel like writing the rest of the day.
05: Break (200 words)
I completely fucked up the ending, and it still pisses me off. Replace the last three sentences with:
By the time the warden arrived at my cell, I'd almost finished rebuilding the wall.
See? That's much better. I tend to be more productive when I'm up against a deadline, but sometimes I run out of time for important things like "editing" or "making sure your ending isn't shitty, while a much better ending is staring you in the face." Argh.
Ultimately, I was trying for a "this is what depression is like" kind of story. I had a few other ideas in this vein, but they were too similar to this one...so, back in the Idea Box they went.
Of the five pieces I've done so far, this is the fourth to use first-person perspective. I'd use it a lot more through the rest of the month, in part because it saves me the trouble of creating a character. Also, I'm a raging egomaniac.
1. Good promise on this one, a good start to your month. I'd like to see what you could do if you expanded out the story.
ReplyDelete2. Entertaining, even if the geometry was off. I'd like to know more about the world with satellites and rifles, duels are normal, and why they were fighting the duel in the first place.
3. Less was more. Well played. Sometimes the dice are trying to kill you.
4. A good edit would have done this one wonders BUT there's nothing wrong with the basic premise.
5. Ok, I like the second ending better. Still, of the first 5, one of my favorites. To get more of the "this is what depression is like" feel, you might edit a few more details IN, more description about the prison, the food, the cell. Make the explosion more bright and colorful, the prison more grey and shadows, in order to show the choice to stay in as more cowardly than almost noble (which is how it played off to me on the first read).