07: Unreasonable (Andrew Riesen)

Andrew Riesen nodded at his producer, who pushed a button on a console. “Next caller!” Andy said.

“Hello, Mr. Andrew. It's Tim.” The producer rolled his eyes and tried to dump the call, but Andrew waved him off.

“Ah, Mister--”

“NO LAST NAMES!”

“Of course. What's on your mind, Tim?” Andrew asked.

“I want to make sure the other real Americans know about the secret programs run by the government!”

Andrew nodded. “They sure do. You know, I'm sick and tired of Uncle Sam taking our hard earned money, just to give it to foreign interests and welfare freeloaders!”

“That's small potatoes, Andrew! I've got evidence linking NASA with Planned Parenthood!”

This time, Andrew had to stop himself from laughing on the air. “That doesn't surprise me. The conspiracies formed by these liberal sickos run deep.”

“You don't know the half of it! I've seen pictures! They're not performing abortions, and they're not decommissioning space shuttles! All this can only mean one thing!”

“What's that?”

“Don't you see? THEY'RE SHOOTING BABIES INTO SPACE!!”

“...”

That call prompted the longest stretch of dead air ever heard on the Voice of Riesen. The producer dropped the call and cued up the next commercial break.

At last, Andrew recovered. “We've got to take a break. Give us your thoughts on this, or anything else—the number is 555-TRUE. We'll be right back.”

As soon as the break began, the producer charged right into the booth. “Seriously, Andy. You gotta stop putting that guy on the air.”

Andrew shrugged. “He gets ratings, Tony. Hell, even people who hate me love it when that guy calls in.”

Tony swept a stack of papers off of Andrew's desk. “God dammit, Andy! You're better than this! You're better than acting like a barker for a bunch of sideshow freaks! You used to be one of the most respected guys in radio, and now this show is a joke!”

“Kid,” Andrew said, “you'll find out sooner or later that paying the bills is the only thing that matters. Causes are great and all, but they don't put food on the table.”

Tony looked crestfallen. “You used to be a fighter, man. You used to look for the truth. What happened to you?”

Andrew didn't say anything, but he definitely knew the answer.

What happened to looking for the truth?

I found it.

And if that truth ever got out, his lack of credibility was the only thing that might save Andrew Riesen's life.